Attitude of Gratitude

The happiness in your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.  - Marcus Aurelius


If your like me every once in a while someone will say or do something that will vex you. Someone is going to snap at you, criticize you, borrow your things without asking and/or handle your stuff carelessly. I try not to let it bother me, but sometimes it does. On occasion I behave rudely/tactlessly and on occasion people behave rudely/tactlessly to me. Sometimes a person doesn't even have to be rude to me to vex me an untactful statement is all it takes. Who doesn't wish they had been more tactful. When something has vexed me sometimes I will begin to ruminate. I will begin over-thinking and obsess about the triggering event like a broken record that can last a couple minutes to a couple days. This cycle of negative thinking which usually consists of blame and excuse making in a pointless attempt to save my own face and validate my feelings, it is very unhelpful and even harmful. Not only does it crowd out more positive/productive worth while thinking, like reorienting your attention to the business of being an adult and father. Ruminating also makes it virtually impossible to resist compulsive behaviors like excessive alcohol, eating processes foods, off budget spending  and procrastinating. I had a bad day so I'll order in and get a case of beer. I should get this done, I can do it later. I wish I had learned this sooner. As if compulsive behaviors aren't a challenging enough to resist when we are bored, or under social pressure. The longer you ruminate the less able you are to resist compulsive behaviors.

I learned the hard way that acting on your ruminations may not be a wise decision. Their is wisdom in the saying that if you don't have anything nice to say its best not to say anything at all. The nature of cycles of negative thinking is that they kind of snowball, and get blown out of proportion. Meaning the the persistence of the thoughts is not a reflection of how I actually feel. Its a reflection of where my attention is focused. Remember that feeling are not facts. Also I find that when I act on them, most of the time, but not all of the time I just encounter defensiveness. Usually I get either excuses or they blame me for the vexing behavior towards me (imagine that). The old well you do it too, so why shouldn't I do it to you. You made me do it.  This approach only damages relationships by cultivating grudges and enmity in other people. Often in my experience just getting over it and getting on with my day, or if it must be dealt with then do it in the most positive and polite way as possible. Usually I use the criteria that if its not interfering with the health, safety and financial/psychological well being of my family I let it slide. I have more important things that deserve my attention than "being right" or "setting them straight" or having my "emotions validated." You do to.

Getting over it and getting on with your day, or if it must be dealt with then do it positively and politely,  is is also the recommendations of Roman Emperor and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius. My favorite quote from Marcus is "The happiness in your life depends on the quality of your thoughts." What this quote means is that if your attention is focused on the negative thoughts, and because your attention is limited you will crowd out more positive/productive thoughts. The more you focus your attention on positive and productive thoughts the happier you will be. This isn't easy to achieve and requires lots of practice, but it is definitely worth the practice.  I wish I had learned this when I was younger. Which is why I am writing this for you.

 Another one of the reasons I really like Marcus is that the things that vexed him vex me as well, which makes me feel better about letting trivia bother me, because at the time he was the most powerful person on Earth, and that trivia bothered him too. This vexing trivia has been bothering people for over a thousand years. One of Marcus's tactics (among others) was to interrupt the ruminations by focusing his attention on something you could be grateful for in the person that vexed you. Alternatively you can interrupt the ruminations by focuses your attention and reflecting on the things that your are most grateful in general. I recommend a pre-written list that you can keep on-hand. Cultivating an attitude of gratitude will contribute to your happiness. Research by positive psychologists has confirmed the benefits of cultivating an attitude of gratitude which has benefits beyond rescuing your attention from the cycle of negative thoughts. Not only does an attitude of gratitude change your perspective, it can sweep away most of the petty, day-to-day annoyances on which we focus so much of our attention, the “small stuff” situations that bring up feelings of impatience, intolerance, negative judgment, indignation, anger, or resentment. Gratitude is a vehicle to diffuse self-pity and self-centeredness, increase feelings of well-being, and prompt mindful awareness of that which is beyond oneself, of belonging to a greater whole, and of connection to others, as well as to the world.

The alternate to an attitude of gratitude is the attitude of entitlement. The attitude of entitlement is characterized by a lack of gratitude and personal responsibility which leads to a lack of satisfaction and an overarching propensity to blame others for your troubles. That you are entitled to have others behave towards you in a way that doesn't offend you or upset you. Which doesn't sound bad on its surface, its just that everyone is rude/tactless on occasion, even great worthwhile people. The world is full of rude/tactless behaviors. You would be a very special and unique person indeed if you never had to cope with rude/tactless treatment. In reality however the unrealistic expectations the attitude of entitlement, ironically makes you more prone to taking offence, less resilient, and too emotionally vulnerable to cope with views that challenge your own. The attitude of entitlement produces this because of the expectation that its up to others to improve (you on the other hand are a special and unique prince/princess that others should just accept for who you are ), which results in the failure to learn how to cope with rude/tactless behaviors. This attitude makes you become hyper sensitive and your threshold for being "triggered" and made upset quite low and you'll tend to react out of proportion to the situation. Learning to cope with rude/tactless behaviors takes effort and practice, it is not easy and you shouldn't be to hard on yourself if you let people vex you. Just keep trying and practice redirecting your focus toward gratitude.

In the last ten years or so, numerous scientific studies have documented a wide range of benefits that come with gratitude. These are available to anyone who practices being grateful, even in the midst of adversity, such as elderly people confronting death, those with cancer, people with chronic illness or chronic pain, and those in recovery from addiction. Research-based reasons for practicing gratitude include:

• Gratitude facilitates contentment. Practicing gratitude is one of the most reliable methods for increasing contentment and life satisfaction. It also improves mood by enhancing feelings of optimism, joy, pleasure, enthusiasm, and other positive emotions. Conversely, gratitude also reduces anxiety and depression.
• Gratitude focuses your attention on actions that are "investing" in the things you are grateful for to perpetuate them and strengthen them, and against actions that are trivial and superficial.
• Gratitude promotes physical health. Studies suggest gratitude helps to lower blood pressure, strengthen the immune system, reduce symptoms of illness, and make us less bothered by aches and pains.
• Gratitude enhances sleep. Grateful people tend to get more sleep each night, spend less time awake before falling asleep, and feel more rested upon awakening. If you want to sleep more soundly, instead of counting sheep count your blessings.
• Gratitude strengthens relationships. It makes us feel closer and more connected to friends and intimate partners. When partners feel and express gratitude for each other, they each become more satisfied with their relationship.
• Gratitude encourages “paying it forward.” Grateful people are generally more helpful, generous of spirit, and compassionate. These qualities often spill over onto others.

When ever I find myself stuck in a loop of negative thinking I have a list of things I am grateful for on hand that I can review. I also try to notice small things in the moment to be grateful for like a war shower or a cup of coffee in the morning. I always try to thank people for the kind things they have done for me. I also try to deal with people from a position of gratitude which is a challenge with some of the less tactful people I interact with.

Here is my gratitude list:

I am grateful... to be alive
         No matter how bad things are, I am lucky to have had the chance to live a life. Most lives are briefer than they wanted. Many people have died to young. I have had illnesses that would have killed my ancestors and do kill people still in the third world. I've had a close call where my life was threatened by armed robbers, where many in that situation did not survive.  Living is not something I should take for granted and I should be grateful for.

I am grateful... to be a father
          I've always wanted to be a father and to have the family life that I never had as a kid. Not everyone is able to have kids, and I am lucky to have four healthy and great children.

I am grateful... to be a husband
         I am very lucky to be married to a woman as wonderful as Melissa. She is a devoted mother and my best friend. I know that no matter what happens I will always be able to count on her support. I am lucky to have found a woman that I enjoy spending time with. I look forward to growing old with her and enjoying our grandchildren and great grandchildren. Many people are not as lucky as I have been.

I am grateful... to be employed
         I am lucky to have the job that I have. Many people do not have jobs and are struggling and stressing. No matter what the challenges and stresses my job exposes me too, I should be grateful for them, because the alternative is unemployment. And the challenge free and stress free jobs don't pay very well. I am also very grateful to have the boss that I have. Colin has been a great mentor and role model. He is the most rational person I have ever met. His optimism, positivity, intelligence and sense of humor has been an example for me.

I am grateful... for my mother
         I am lucky to have the mother that I have. She models strength and perseverance for me, and set a really good example for me. I am love how she is always trying to make jokes and laugh. She raised me to the person I am, and let me be the person I am. Many people have mothers that they would have been better off with out or no mother at all.

I am grateful... for family
         I am grateful to have the supportive family that I do. I know that if I ever need their help my inlaws and my sister are happy to help. Many people don't have the positive and supportive relationship with their families that I do. For some their families are a source of never ending bickering and drama.
       
I am grateful... to be free
         I am lucky to live in a country and in a time where I can earn money and invest in my family and future. I am lucky to live in a country where I can express myself with out fear of punishment. I can inquiry and criticize any subject I wish. These freedoms of are not universal. They exist to a lesser degree in some countries or not at all. It is only by luck of birth that I was born into a country that has these freedoms and not another. It was earned by our ancestors who warred against politicians who had different plans for them. Some of these politicians came from other countries and some of them came from their own country. Our ancestors stood up and demanded and fought for these rights from politicians who would rather have used our ancestors efforts and money to advance their own ideologies. Our ancestors also fought and won the right from the politicians to inquire, dissent, criticize and express their opinions. Politicians are keen to suppress ideas that interfere with their ideological agendas. 

I am grateful...for Capitalism and Science

          I am lucky to be born in the most prosperous generation in human history. Prosperity that is made possible by the innovations of Science and the productive power of Capitalism which has made modern medicine, transportation, electricity, food variety and availability, communications, and entertainment available to most people, most of the time. A level of comfort that most of the bottom 20% of income can enjoy and even take for granted. A level of comfort that King Henry the VIII himself did not enjoy. We can fly. We can cure disease. Most of us are more likely to die of obesity instead of starvation.  The possibilities  for my Grandchildren that are made possible by the tools of Capitalism and Science are mind boggling. I am lucky and grateful.